MSMNPA.ORG Pride 2005

Living OUT Large – KD1974

KD1974 is not just a statistic! It refers to a young gay male who is HIV positive. We chose to use this form of personal reference to protect his interest and show the format in which one is anonymously coded when tested for HIV.

KD1974 may serve well on paper and in surveillance files that end up as a chart and graph that identifies the recorded numbers of HIV infections in a region or country. But there is more to it than a code. His code reflects that he is male, his age and possibly his sexual orientation.

But yet again there is more to it. For when you peel away at the layers of a necessary and confidential process, at the core of its existence is a person. Here is a young man that faces one of his life’s greatest challenges, at the age of thirty-one years old. His greatest challenge is that of survival from a virus that will destroy his natural ability to protect his body from opportunistic infections. Infections that those with healthy bodies fight off daily without incidence but for those who are infected with the Human Immunodeficiency Virus – HIV, the outcome can be fatal. This is the plight in the life of one such individual as stated,

“I never suspected at first that I might or could have been HIV positive. I found out in 1996, at the age of 24 years when applying for a life insurance policy. I was instructed to take a blood test and when I returned for my results at the Lab they informed me that I was infected and that I should go to see a Doctor.”

And that’s how it started for him. In those days this is how many young persons found out about HIV. There were no Counselling and Testing protocols. He says, “It was a cold and harsh process in which you felt like you had been given a death sentence. I was an emotional wreck. I contacted my Pastor and told him that I was going to die.” He continued, “This was a situation where an individual was seeking one thing and being informed of what was an unexpected and terminal health situation.”

KD admitted that at first he was in denial. He simply switched off any thoughts about HIV, his health and his life. He shared that he was working and did not really know what to do, so he reverted to do what he did normally, “I hoped that it would go away. I did not think of the consequences. I did not know of them or what could really happen.”

Two years later, he was re-tested when he found himself in a relationship with a young girl. He was concerned that he would put her at risk and before any sexual relations he decided that they both go in for the HIV Test. He added that this confirmed his status and it ended the relationship.

Between the period 1998 to 2002, KD chose to become better informed by volunteering his services for a Person Living with HIV/AIDS (PLWHA) organisation. By this time he says that he began to experience symptoms of effects of the virus in his body, “I kept getting sick with night sweats, fevers and diarrhoea. I lost alot of weight and I had an epileptic seizure.” He was privately advised to seek counselling as he still resisted that fact that he could seek treatment he says,

“It was scary to admit that I needed to access Anti-retroviral Treatment – ART. I was afraid that I would not be able to take all of those pills, afraid of the regimen. There were so few persons that you could ask for advice and information and I was afraid to trust what they were saying. It reminded me of how I felt when I was first told I was positive and there was something worse, much worse. Being gay further complicated the issue.”

Coming to terms with one’s sexual orientation is a fearsome thought in an environment that openly practises hostility against persons of Same Sex Orientation and Preference. Being gay and being infected is a double edged circumstance he added, “ I was already challenged by my homosexuality, just the word by itself made me feel something was wrong with me, that I was not good enough, that I would die a sinner. I did not want to be treated differently and I did not want to feel different. I was afraid of how insensitive people would treat me. How do you tell your family? The stigma and discrimination of being both gay and HIV positive was unbearable. I was afraid that my family and friends would say that I deserved to get it. That it was because I was ‘so’.”

Fortunately there was help on the horizon. There were organisations that were developing support groups to help Persons Living with HIV/AIDS (PLWHA) he says, “I began coming to whatever terms there were regarding my status. There were role models in those meetings. I met friends who knew how to help and support me. It reaffirmed my lost self esteem. In 2003, I sought out the services of the Medical Research Foundation in Trinidad. I had friends from the YMCA who encouraged me to finally go in to access ART.”

It is now 11 years KD has been living with HIV. He says, “On one hand I have come to terms that I will die and on the other I intend to live life as best I can. I have learnt to be proud and to be able to live this long. Though it is 11 years, I still live life day to day. I did experience some side effects from the ART at the beginning, but it has benefited my life by sticking to it. It has prolonged my life. Otherwise I would have been already dead.”

KD is now experienced to know of and discuss his situation in a calm and candid manner. He was able to identify some challenges that he currently experiences concerning the maintenance of his body, “One of my concerns is the wait time at the clinic. I have to take 3 to 4 hours off work during each visit. The CD4 tests are only conducted every six months and I would prefer to have them done every three months. Anything can happen in 6 months. And the results can take up to three weeks before I know what my CD4 count is. This feels like an eternity. I always get scared and think the worst.”

When asked if he knew what a Viral Load Test was and if he ever had one, he says that he knew what it is because he now tries to keep up to date with HIV/AIDS developments, but that he has not been able to access this test. KD’s experience is a common one. In the recent past the Viral Load was rarely conducted, but there are developments underway for this test to become accessible this year at the Medical Research Foundation with a shorter wait period.

A success note to this individual is that he is currently on a two combination therapy and only has to take his meds twice a day. He claims that he now experiences no side effects and that he walks with extra meds ‘just in case’ he is working late, attending an after hours support group or unable to return to his home. He also added, “ART has enhanced my chances of survival, they have prolonged how long I will live. I am better off now that I have chose to be on them. I have gained the lost weight; I look and feel good about myself; I do not have the stress I lived with before; they have become a regular way of life for me and have become a personal habit. Everything is working for me and I have less personal stigma to have to take pills.”

In addition KD says that ART has empowered him, “I am able to still do the things I enjoy. Things that make me feel good about me. I have the confidence to want to teach others about HIV/AIDS. I want to change the face of it, to de-stigmatize how people feel about it. I am challenged by persons who use HIV as a crutch and as such they underestimate their own power.”

When asked about Relationships, KD states that he is still cautious. He states that he now fears rejection, to disclose his status and infect another. He says, “I asked myself once, is this fair for the other person to have to deal with what I have to deal with? My time and energy if I am able to manage a relationship is different and you want someone to be there for and with you as you for them.”

When asked about Fidelity he says, “I recognise that I have limited time and that I cannot afford to play the sexual games. I limit the amount of sexual experiences and resist multiple partners because it increases my risk factor and existing health.”

When asked about Safer Sex and Condom Use he says, “It’s vital for persons who are both positive and negative to use condoms to protect themselves! Persons who are negative should do their best to not become infected. Persons who are positive have a responsibility to not infect others. Also, many HIV positive persons think that it’s not necessary to use condoms if they are sexually active with another positive person. This is extremely dangerous as this could lead to each being re-infected where the virus becomes stronger and more resistant to treatment.”

When asked about his opinion as to why so many young MSM (YMSM) are still being infected he stated, “They think it’s safe to take a chance. It’s safe to try. In the heat of the moment you want to take that chance because having to deal with the issues or consequences is such a sexual deterrent. You are young and you say to yourself - ‘Just do it. Forget about the condoms they are a nuisance’.”

And on a final note, when asked about life in our Gay community KD ends with, “We are very harsh on ourselves. We like to pong or criticise each other. We can go nowhere as a community if we continue to do this, especially as we have to address Positive and Negative persons on our community. We will only be able to truly achieve and manage a real community if we better manage our behaviour and sensitivity towards and for each other.”